Traffic Tips

I’ve been in Dumaguete City for about a week now, so I feel I need to share some advise on adapting to local modes of transportation with those of you who might be coming here someday. If you come from North America or Europe, this will be a shock. Just take a few deep breaths and jump in anyway, it’s not so bad.

1) Tuck in your knees: I’ve referred to this in a previous post. As you dart down all types of roads balancing on the back of a motorcycle, with no care for which lane goes which way, and there are no stop signs or traffic lights, just always be aware of where your knees are. You never know when they might scrape against a wall or get caught into on-coming traffic. And you will be wearing shorts too, it’s warm here! On top of that, when you aren’t dangling from a motorcycle seat, you might be packed tight into a Jeepnie (a kind of glorified pick-up truck used for public transportation). There also, tuck those knees in, people need to come in and out from the back of the truck, you know, and you wouldn’t want them to fall splat across your lap, now would you?

2) Let go of your hang-ups: What? You don’t want to ride a motorcycle without a helmet on? Well, there are no helmets anywhere and the motorcycle is your only way to get around... deal with it. And what’s that? Oh, you think that three people on a moped is too many? Well, what are you going to do, walk for the next 10 miles? Hop on! And you think this motorcycle holding together with duct-tape does not look safe enough to climb that mountain? Ok, then, walk up. Bring a tent, a lot of water, a stick might be good too (for balance, you know), and see you up there tomorrow or the day after. I'll be back at the hotel for dinner.

3) Forget about personal space or comfort: At some point you will have to be the meat in a moped sandwich. You are wedged tightly in between two other bodies, you have no control of your own movements anymore, and you are getting to know your pilot and caboose more intimately than your own spouse. It’s ok, it’s all platonic. Then, in one of those Jeepnies, especially for those of us who are taller than the average Philippino, be ready to twist your body in all imaginable positions so that more people can squeeze in. If the Jeepnie usually carries 20 people, they will stuff 20 people in there, no matter if you use up the space of two, or three... And by the way, yesterday I counted, and we were 31 in a Jeepnie, in something no bigger, I repeat, than an American pick-up truck.

4) Be underwear aware: Delicate eyes might want to refrain from reading this paragraph. How shall I put this politely... uh... well, the roads are not always even here, there are a lot of holes, and bumps, and sand traps. And, well, the motorcycles’ engines can create quite a bit of vibration, sometimes enough to make your teeth clatter against your will. So, if your underwear can’t tightly keep all of your big and little parts in, it’s gonna hurt. I climbed up a mountain a few days ago, on a dirt road, perched as the third passenger on the back of the motorcycle, and all I could think of on the way up was: “Oh my balls! Oh my balls! OH MY balls!”

5) Just walk already!: And lastly, on occasions when you wander around town as a pedestrian, do not ever wait for traffic to stop to cross the road. Remember there are no stop signs, or traffic lights. Just go... no matter how crazy it might seem, just step out into the traffic, and magically, you will make it to the other side unharmed, I promise. Imagine that you and all the vehicles on the road are positively charged magnets - you can come close, but you don't make contact. Somehow, everything on the road dances around you, never entering your magnetic field. And don’t hesitate. If you start doubting your ability to reach the other side, you will cause a traffic jam and get laughed and pointed at. Just find your zen, trust the force, and step out into traffic.

I hope all of this will be helpful for when you come to Dumaguete City... because, you really should come visit one day, it’s worth it. - Gaston